Embrace You! Be Yourself

Okay. So, you’re significant other has called you out on your pretences. Now what? No relationship will work if you don’t be yourself and embrace who you truly are. A relationship is doomed for failure if you wear the Dateface. The beauty of God’s divine magnificence is that no two people are alike; celebrate and express your individuality. Be the best you, whatever that may be or look like.

If you don’t believe in yourself, who will, and why would you expect them to if you don’t believe in your own self-worth? Trying to be someone you’re not will only lead to unhappiness because it’s hard work to constantly wear someone else’s face.

If you’re young, don’t rush into a serious relationship. Take time to find yourself. Go to college, join the military, enjoy life! You can’t be true to yourself and any potential mates if you don’t know, understand, and accept who you are.

Everything in life is a choice with consequences. Even though friends and family will try to guide you and keep from repeating their mistakes, there’s nothing like trial and error to learn the lessons of life. Nobody’s perfect and there’s always room for personal growth.

You can’t be yourself if you’re constantly worried about how other people view you. Who cares what people think? Other people’s perception of you is important in some instances, but not all; for instance, in the workforce. Trying to please everyone is impossible because people have different tastes and opinions, so hang around people who like the flavor you are.

What other people think of you doesn’t matter, as long as you do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and you take into consideration the person’s motives for expressing their thoughts about you and your actions. Being yourself doesn’t mean not caring about other’s feelings. Don’t be rude and belittle other people that have different views from you. Everybody’s individuality is equally important. Also, even though other people’s perception of you doesn’t matter, you need to be aware of how others perceive you. You live in society and have to interact and act in socially acceptable ways. If being yourself can be misinterpreted you need to be aware of it, and learn to adapt to socially acceptable behavior when appropriate. There’s a time and place for everything. Even though you need to be yourself, that doesn’t mean there’s no room for self-improvement, which can bring changes in your personality.
Sometimes being true to yourself involves changing yourself for the better.
Relax and don’t take yourself too seriously. Nobody’s perfect.

Don’t hide your true feelings and opinions. Why would you do that to yourself or others? It will only lead to heartbreak, betrayal, and hurt feelings. If you are ashamed or insecure about aspects of your personality, there’s no point in trying to hide it; the truth always comes out.

How to Cope with the Battered

Domestic violence can cause depression, anxiety, panic attacks, substance abuse, posttraumatic stress disorder, and suicide attempts. Children that are exposed to domestic violence can develop aggressive behavior, mental disorders, developmental problems, school problems, and low self-esteem.

Many survivors of abuse do not need mental health treatment; they’re issues may resolve after they leave the abusive relationship and they are safe, along with their children.

If you have a family member or friend who is being emotionally or physically abused, help them get out of the situation the best way you can.

• Show your concern – help them recognized what is going on and explain that their relationship is not normal and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.
• Be supportive – help them realize the abuse is not their fault and that they are not alone; be a good listener, they need someone to believe and listen to them. Help them develop a safety plan and encourage them to seek professional counseling or support groups. Encourage them to participate in outside activities. If the finally leave the situation, they’ll need your strength and moral support more than ever because they’ll feel sad and lonely and need time to mourn the relationship.
• Don’t judge – respect their decisions to stay in the abusive relationship no matter how stupid it seems to you; they have their reasons; don’t criticize.

How to Cope with Batterers

It’s not possible to cope with Batterers. You must leave the person and the relationship for your personal safety, as well as your loved ones. Physical violence can escalate to the murder of you and your children and family. The cycle of violence must end.

• Make sure you and your children are safe. Find a safe place to live like a safe house or home of a friend or relative. Take house keys, money, and important papers with you.
• Call the police if you are in danger and think you can’t leave home safely, or you want to bring charges against your abuser.
• Get medical and counseling help. Your doctor can treat any medical problem, provide support, and make referrals. A safe house, nurse, social worker, therapist, psychiatrist, and other health care professionals can help you find counseling and support groups.
• Talk to someone you trust. Get support from family, friends, coworkers, or spiritual advisors.
• Get a personal protection order and legal support. A staff member at a safe house can help you file for protection.
• Make a safety plan.

People may not know your situation. Don’t let anybody talk you into actions that may not be right for you; however, until you leave the abusive relationship, make sure to protect your personal safety.

• E-mail – like a postcard, e-mail can be intercepted or lost.
• The Internet – computers can be monitored without you even knowing it. A computer’s history is never really completely erased.
• Cell Phones – cell phones can be monitored.
• GPS – global positioning systems can be placed on your car, in your purse, or in your cell phone.
• Court records – some courts are placing records online and may contain personal information.

How to Cope with Demeaners

It may not be possible to cope with Demeaners. If a Demeaner won’t agree to relationship counseling or anger management, you must leave the person and the relationship for your emotional safety. The Demeaner is the one who needs to face their psychological issues, not you.

How to Leave a Broken Relationship

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is vital to your emotional and physical well-being to leave.

Boozers and Other Substance Abusers

(coming soon)

Stalking

• Repeatedly harassed you and made you feel scared or upset.
• Bothered you with unwanted attention like phone calls, gifts, letters, or following you to work or home.
• Threatened your family.

Sexual Abuse or Assault

The use of sexual behavior to gain control of another person through power or humiliation.

• Forced or manipulated you into having sex or performing sexual acts.
• Made sexual jokes or demeaning remarks about your gender
• Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
• Touched you in unwanted ways
• Held you down during sex.
• Accused you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
• Demanded sex when you were sick, tired, or after beating you.
• Demanded sex by using threats
• Wanted you to dress in a sexual way
• Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
• Insulted you in sexual ways or called you sexual names.
• Ignored your feelings about sex.
• Withheld sex as punishment
• Falsely accuse you of being unfaithful
• Rape

Physical Abuse or Assault

• Slapped, hit, punched, or grabbed you.
• Pushed, shook, or kicked you.
• Pulled your hair, twist your arm, pinched you.
• Choked, spit at, or bit you.
• Broke your bones or caused internal injuries.
• Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
• Hurt your children or pets.
• Scared you by driving recklessly.
• Intimidated you – when angry, smashed things; destroyed your property; displayed weapons; thrown objects; punched walls; tore clothes; kicked doors.
• Withheld your food, clothing, sleep, or medicine.
• Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
• Forced you to leave your home.
• Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving, may even have locked you up.
• Prevented you from calling the police or seeking medical attention.
• Used physical force in sexual situations.

Batterers – the Ultimate Dateface

Physical abuse is a form of domestic violence that involves strength or weapons. It includes physical force or threats of physical force. Physical abuse is a crime.

Are You Physically Abused?

You have experienced physical abuse if your partner has done the following to control or gain power in the relationship:

Physical Abuse or Assault

Sexual Abuse or Assault

Stalking

Boozers and Other Substance Abusers

Financial Abuse

Made you economically dependent by controlling your access to money by making you ask for money, giving you an allowance, or taking your paycheck; refusing to share money by not letting you know or have access to family income; and not wanting you to work and/or stopping you from getting or keeping a job.

Psychological Abuse

• Made you do something that compromised your own values in order to please your abusive partner.
• Controlling Activities and Isolation - controlled and monitored what you do, who you see, who you talk to, what you read, where you go so that you can’t stay in contact with family or friends; limited your outside involvement; used jealousy to justify actions.
• Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming – made light of the abuse and not took your concerns about it seriously, said the abuse didn’t happen, shifted responsibility for abusive behavior, said you caused it.
• Children – made you feel guilty about the children, used the children to relay messages, used visitation to harass you, threatened to take the children away.
• Male Privilege – treated you like a servant, made all the big decisions, acted like the “master of the castle,” the one to define men’s and women’s roles; expected you to ask permission.
• Coercion and Threats – made or carried out threats to do something to hurt you or your children, family or pets; threatened to leave you; threatened to commit suicide if you abandoned them; threatened to kill you if you leave; threatened to report you to welfare; blackmailed you about your sexual orientation or other sensitive information; made you drop charges; made you do illegal things; used lies to manipulate you.
• Intimidation – made you afraid by using looks, actions, or gestures; abused your pets; displayed weapons; took or destroyed your possessions

Verbal Abuse

The gateway to physical harm; it should not be dismissed. Does not necessarily involve yelling.

• Put you down with insults (“You’re stupid,” “You’re ugly,” “You’re a liar”)
• Called you names
• Cursed you out
• Yelled at you
• Criticized or falsely accused you
• Humiliated or made you feel bad or embarrassed about yourself in private.
• Humiliated or made you feel bad in any way by falsely accusing you in front of others or doing something embarrassing in public.
• Punished you by withholding affection
• Left nasty messages on your voicemail
• Made you think you’re crazy
• Played mind games
• Made sarcastic comments
• Constantly questioned you about your activities
• Made you feel guilty
• Sent you cruel letters or e-mails

Demeaners and Their Bad Demeanor

Abuse can come in other ways besides bruises and black eyes. Harder to identify and perhaps more injurious in the long run, emotional abuse is a nonphysical, non-criminal form of domestic violence that can lead to criminal violence. Verbal, psychological, social, and financial abuse can destroy a person’s spirit and self-esteem through words and actions.

Are You Emotionally Abused?

Even though people say things they don’t mean sometimes, raise their voices, and get in verbal arguments, emotional abuse is the repeated use of hurtful words or actions that can become the norm in a dysfunctional relationship.

You have experienced emotional abuse if your partner has done the following actions, with total disregard for your feelings, on a constant basis to control or gain power in the relationship:

Verbal Abuse

Psychological Abuse

Financial Abuse

Psychology of an Abuser

People who resort to verbal or physical abuse do it because they have to be in control and because they have a low self-esteem.

An abuser fluctuates between Dateface and Hateface in the following ways:

The Incident

The Rising Tension

• The Abuser starts to get angry
• Abuse may begin (physical, sexual, or emotional). The Abuser may threaten to kill themselves or the Victim.
• Breakdown in communication
• Victim feels the need to keep the Abuser calm. The Abuser may accuse the victim of having an affair, so the Victim stops seeing family and friends to avoid the Abuser’s jealous anger.
• Tension becomes too much
• Victim is “walking on eggshells.” The victim constantly worries about the abuser’s moods and changes their behavior to cope with the mood swings.

The Make-Up (psychological abuse)

• Abuser apologizes for abuse
• Abuser promises it won’t happen again
• Abuser blames the victim for causing the abuse or claims their out-of-control temper is caused by alcohol, drugs, stress, or an abusive childhood.
• Abuser denies abuse took place or says it was not as bad as the victim claims

The Calm before the Storm

• Abuser lives in denial and acts like the abuse never happened. Does not take responsibility for their actions.
• Physical abuse may not be taking place
• Abuser may keep promises made during the make-up phase
• Victim hopes that the abuse is over
• Abuser gives the victim gifts

Another Incident

Dating and Domestic Violence

Dating and domestic violence is never okay under any circumstances. Domestic violence is abuse by a parent, caregiver, intimate partner, or spouse. In a dating, live-in, or marital relationship, the abuser uses a pattern of behaviors to control and influence their mate through abusive actions or threats of actions. Non-discriminatory; it can affect people of all ages, sex, race, religion, education, marital status, sexual orientation, culture, IQ, or employment. A serious, widespread social problem, domestic violence comes in many forms (physical or verbal) and varied frequencies (all the time or once in a while). Often, the victim and the abuser are both in denial that the domestic violence is going on. There is a cycle to violence (incident, tension building, makeup, calm).

Domestic violence victims tend to have low self-esteem. The victim’s identity is defined by their relationship with their mate, children, or family. They are unsure of their own needs.

Survivors of domestic violence face many obstacles when they finally get up the courage to end the cycle of abuse. They may feel entrapped for psychological, economic, or physical reasons like disabilities, they may be physically isolated, they may not have social or familial support or alternatives to their abusive situation, they may fear social judgment because of religious and cultural values, their abuser may be threatening or intimidating them because of custody of children, separation of the relationship, or immigration status.

How to Profile an Abuser

You may be involved with a person who has an abusive nature, if they exhibit the following behaviors early on in the relationship:

• Quickly falls for you in a whirlwind romance
• Wants to be with you all the time
• Stalks you by tracking your actions and your relationships with other
• Isolates you because they “love you”
• Extra sensitive to criticism
• Blames others for the abuse
• Pressures you into doing things you don’t want to

The early signs may evolve to fear of your mate because of threatening and jealous behavior.

Abusers

There is a cycle to an abuser’s emotional or physical violence (act out with fiction). At first the abusive incidents are isolated and the abuser expresses remorse and gives empty promises of the abuse never happening again. They may even blame the abuse on stress, something you did to provoke them, alcohol, or drugs. There is NO EXCUSE; substance abuse and stress do not cause domestic violence, although they can make the violence worse.

How to Profile An Abuser

Dating and Domestic Violence

Psychology of an Abuser

When Dateface Becomes Hateface

Abusers have perfected the art of Dateface so they’re not easy to recognize. They wear the mask of Romeo, a knight in shining armor, Juliet, or the damsel in distress, while they are in pursuit of their significant other; then, when the relationship is serious, they show the other face—the Hateface—behind closed doors. Their attentiveness, generosity, and protectiveness turns controlling and frightening when they have their other face on. Not only are abusers deceptive when they hide their true nature; they also practice deceit by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not require medical attention.

Even though it may be a learned behavior; people abuse by choice—it’s no accident. Abusers are compelled by the need for control. They learned to abuse to get what they want.

Abusers

Demeaners and Their Bad Demeaners

Batterers: the Ultimate Dateface

Get Help!

National Domestic Violence Hotline
http://www.ndvh.org/
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
http://www.ncadv.org/

National Network to End Domestic Violence
202-543-5566
http://www.nnedv.org/

American Academy of Family Physicians
http://www.familydoctor.org/

The Family Violence Prevention Fund
http://www.endabuse.org/
415-252-8900

The Battered Women’s Justice Project
http://www.bwip.org/
800-903-0111

Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)
http://www.rainn.org/

American Psychiatric Association (APA)
703-907-7300 http://www.healthyminds.org/

Pathetic Apathetics

The Apathetic are people with Dateface who experience drastic changes in appearance or emotions once they have hooked the person they are in pursuit of.

Confessions of a Couch Potato
http://datefacechronicles.blogspot.com/2009/03/confessions-of-couch-potato.html

Confessions of a Cheater
http://datefacechronicles.blogspot.com/2009/03/confessions-of-cheater.html

Confessions of a Cheater

He Said

I’m a total waste of your time. What did you expect? I’m married. My wife is working me nerves, but what can I do? I can’t leave because of the kids. I won’t have any money; she’ll take me for everything I have. But I love, I wish I could marry you.

She Said

I play the field even though I vowed to love and cherish my husband ‘til death do us part because I’m insecure and have to have attention from the opposite sex.

Confessions of a Couch Potato

He Said

Baby, I got you. Let’s stay in tonight. The game’s on. Sorry about that smell, I’m just so comfortable around you now, what’s a little fart with the love of my life.

She Said

Honey, let’s stay in tonight. I don’t feel like getting dressed up. I don’t care that you wouldn’t mind seeing me with some make-up and heels on sometimes. Stop sweating me about losing weight. I know I used to be fine and fabulous, but now I’m fat and frumpy.

Confessions of a Passive User

He Said

When we first met I was considerate. Had you looked closer, I was even controlling the relationship then, ordering for you, not because I wanted you try something deliciously expensive, but to stay in control. You should have noticed.

Confessions of a Serious Player

He Said

I wine and dine you to get what I want. I do all the right things, whisper sweet nothings in your ears, cater to your every need and desire, and pretend to be a compassionate, good listener. I do all this under the false pretense to fulfill my selfish needs. My great, witty conversation draws you in. I hang on your every word, pretend to be so into you and empathize with you over your past bad relationship and assure you that I’m different. I bash your ex for leaving you penniless with the kids, then do the same thing to you later. You didn’t even see it coming, I’m so smooth with my game. I shower you with material things because I’m shallow in the inside. All I care about is impressing everybody, but ultimately the one I love the most is myself because I’m an egomaniac. Notice how I always manage to bring the conversation back around to myself? You can’t believe I’m such a perfect catch—and I’m not.

Confessions of a Casual Player

He Said

My ultimate goal is SEX. No strings attached sex, 3 a.m. booty call sex. Or even better drive-by sex. Like all users, I’m selfish. I call you for a date early in the week because it’s convenient and doesn’t conflict with my weekend plans with friends or my steady girlfriend. I don’t put much efforts in our dates because I’m only interested in one thing—the booty. I have no need for women with brains. I will definitely try to get you drunk so that when I make my move, you’re ready, willing, and able. When you don’t fall for the sex bait, I come up with quick excuses about how I need to end the date early because I have an important meeting in the morning at work. You don’t know that I’m off tomorrow, so you fall for it because it makes me look responsible and driven.

She Said

Okay, like I’m waiting for you to show up for our date and I’m at the bar. This real cute blonde, blue-eyed guy smiles at me. I glance at my watch. You won’t be here for another 15 minutes. Shoot, while I’m waiting I might as well flirt with the cute guy, just in case and for future reference. No telling how tonight’s date will go. And since my sex drive maps my daily agenda, I have to have several potentials dangling at all times, to fulfill my many needs. Little techno gadgets are a player’s dream. While I’m with you, I’m texting other guys. Have you notice how my cell phone never seems to ring when I’m with you? Or it vibrates nonstop because I have the ringer off and I tell you that it’s just my aggravating sister. Men ain’t the only one who keep count. I get sheer delight in my seduction routine.

Create a Face Online

Like dateface wasn't bad enough. The Internet makes it even easier to create a persona, a facade, that masks the real person within.

Manipulative Users

A user is a selfish pretender with a need to be the center of the universe. These masters of manipulation premeditate how to woo you. Strategically, they draw you in by pretending to be something they are not for either sex or control. Just like gold-plated jewelry, however, their magnificent fake veneer will tarnish over time into something ugly and unrecognizable. Users consist of players, fast-talking smooth talkers, the victimized user, the passive user, and the cheater. While a casual player is totally focused on the familiar and won’t give you the time of day on the weekend; a player real good at their game, takes it to the next level, and flirts with the idea of a serious relationship. They disguise their true agenda by totally misrepresenting themselves. They’ll date you on the weekend, and go all out their way to seem like the perfect date.

Confessions of a Casual Player
http://datefacechronicles.blogspot.com/2009/03/confessions-of-casual-player.html

Confessions of a Serious Player
http://datefacechronicles.blogspot.com/2009/03/confessions-of-serious-player.html

The Fast-Talking Smooth Talker likes the idea of a serious relationship; however, they just can’t bring themselves to turn in their player card. Although quite charming, the Fast-Talking Smooth Talker is shady with the facts while expecting you to be an open book. They twist, distort, and hide the facts. They sweet-talk you after you find out they did something wrong. Lay on the charm when they are making up for something. Say they’ll do something then don’t do it. Disappears for hours at a time but is vague about their whereabouts. Blames you for not trusting them after they have given you reason not to. Calls you suspicious or paranoid when you don’t believe their excuses. A golddigger or gigolo’s ultimate goal is money.

The Victimized User wants to be in a serious relationship; however, they are overtly needy. They demand sympathy while making you feel guilty. Their feelings and needs are more important than yours. They complain about everything, are never satisfied, and have an excuse for everything. They refuse to participate in decision-making, then criticize you when you make the decision. They play on your sense of duty and use emotional blackmail to get their way.

The Passive User is needy on the down low. They experience drastic change in emotional involvement (ex: caring, considerate, and attentive to insensitive, noncommittal, and emotionally detached). They manipulate you into spoiling them, which makes the relationship lopsided with you doing all the sharing and giving, them consuming and taking. They let you do all the work. Their mind’s drift off when they’re supposed to be listening to you. They’re moody and overly defensive. You find yourself in a parental role in the relationship.

Confessions of a Passive User: http://datefacechronicles.blogspot.com/2009/03/confessions-of-passive-user.html

Confessions of a Cheater
http://datefacechronicles.blogspot.com/2009/03/confessions-of-cheater.html

Pretenders

Pretenders are people with Dateface who aren’t true to themselves. They put on the special treatment until the relationship is exclusive.

Confessions of a Pretender

I hide behind a façade or image to hide my true feelings and opinions. To fit into the expectations of other people. I take a like-minded view of the guys I date in the hopes of making them love me, even though it’s not good for my self-image or esteem. I used to do all this independent stuff before I started dating you. Now, I just hang around at home in case you decide to call, go to all the places you want to go (but I don’t), and watch sports, which I hate. When we go out to eat, you ask me where I want to go and I tell you it’s up to you, even though deep inside I’m feening for some Mexican food. I’m totally different from the girl that you fell for and you’re looking at me like you don’t recognize me.

The Signs of Dateface . . . Who Wears the Mask?

Ignoring signs of Dateface is bad business, but how do you know you have a lemon? Knowledge is both a blessing and a curse. With knowledge comes sacrifice and the responsibility of putting it to good use. Just as eating from the Tree of Knowledge ripped the veil of ignorance from Adam and Eve’s eyes, seeing your potential mate for who they really are can be good or bad. Why go along blindly thinking you have something that you don’t? Once the veil was ripped off, they saw each other for who they were and were ashamed. The man found blame—the woman.Dateface involves dating under false pretenses and hiding behind a façade as a means to an end. A person who exhibits Dateface acts one way while they are in pursuit of their significant other, and then pulls a switcheroo once they have succeeded in establishing the relationship. Perpetrators of Dateface act like they empathize with you, but if you look closely, it’s not genuine. Perhaps because they are just pretending an interest in you or because they are so into themselves they can’t look beyond their own selfishness. They remind you of all the things they’ve done for you, but it’s not out of the goodness of their hearts. They expect more back in return and seek praise and recognition. They buy you gifts, not as a token of their affection, but to make-up for their bad actions. They want you on their timetable when getting ready to go out or have sex. They master the art of miscommunication to mislead you.

When the Dateface comes off anything can happen . . .

The History of Male-Female Relationships

Romantic relationships between a man and woman are complicated. This is nothing new; it has been going on since the beginning with Adam and Eve. Men and women act the way that they do because of their genetic make-up and predisposition to recreate the faults of Adam and Eve. Men claim they’re dogs because it is in a man’s nature to want to procreate; a basic survival mechanism to sustain the familial line throughout history (Abraham). Women use their feminine wiles to get their way (Delilah, Eve). In the beginning, a woman was blamed for the fall of man; however, he didn’t learn from his “mistake;” it happened again with Sampson and Delilah; and then gets repeated over and over again when a man falls for the seduction of a woman and risks their marriage and stable home life for lust. People pattern themselves after their parents. Children whose parents were abused grow up to be abuse or be abused. Children whose parents were unfaithful repeated the cycle of cheating in their own relationships. Unfortunately, history repeats itself over and over again, unless a strong person has the strength to break the chains of a generational curse.

Introduction to Dateface

The start of a new relationship is usually euphoric and full of optimism. You’ve met the man or woman of your dreams; they appear flawless. You cross your fingers. Have you found your soul mate? Rose-colored bliss can last many months before the Dateface rears its ugly head. My mother, wise and witty, can break down the Game of Life in intriguing, interesting ways. About six years ago, she introduced me to the concept of Dateface. At some point, everybody has to deal with Dateface in their relationships. We can’t change people; however, there are signs to warn us that the person we’re crazy in love with has crazy quirks that we just can’t stand? Some issues can be worked out with a little conversation and quality time; others, cannot and it’s best for all parties to just walk away, instead of staying in unfulfilling relationships. What does a newlywed do when she wakes up to a stranger? How did she get there?

The History of Male-Female Relationships

The Signs of Dateface: Who Wears the Mask?

Pretenders

Manipulative Users

Pathetic Apathetics

When Dateface Becomes Hateface

What's Your Reflection? - confronter, enabler, doormat, perpetrator, the Virtuous Man or Woman?

Footnote:
1 Smith, Patricia. Definition of Dateface, Niceville: 2003.