Psychology of an Abuser

People who resort to verbal or physical abuse do it because they have to be in control and because they have a low self-esteem.

An abuser fluctuates between Dateface and Hateface in the following ways:

The Incident

The Rising Tension

• The Abuser starts to get angry
• Abuse may begin (physical, sexual, or emotional). The Abuser may threaten to kill themselves or the Victim.
• Breakdown in communication
• Victim feels the need to keep the Abuser calm. The Abuser may accuse the victim of having an affair, so the Victim stops seeing family and friends to avoid the Abuser’s jealous anger.
• Tension becomes too much
• Victim is “walking on eggshells.” The victim constantly worries about the abuser’s moods and changes their behavior to cope with the mood swings.

The Make-Up (psychological abuse)

• Abuser apologizes for abuse
• Abuser promises it won’t happen again
• Abuser blames the victim for causing the abuse or claims their out-of-control temper is caused by alcohol, drugs, stress, or an abusive childhood.
• Abuser denies abuse took place or says it was not as bad as the victim claims

The Calm before the Storm

• Abuser lives in denial and acts like the abuse never happened. Does not take responsibility for their actions.
• Physical abuse may not be taking place
• Abuser may keep promises made during the make-up phase
• Victim hopes that the abuse is over
• Abuser gives the victim gifts

Another Incident